When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Happy Star Wars day!
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.