“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real