*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My blood type is coffee.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Mornin
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken