it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
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[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.