My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.