Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
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“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I’m going to need a moment here.