Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet