Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
me refusing to leave twitter
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?