I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.