breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’m listening
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Buck naked
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Just had my nails done!