My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
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When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Look at this
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.