My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
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Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
taking June’s advice to heart
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid