We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Not😆🤣
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.