EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
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My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.