We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.