Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.