just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
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Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.