my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
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I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Lucky old June.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My boss called in sick of me
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.