Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Women are too difficult, Iβm gonna marry a poptart
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: whereβs your car
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WEβRE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: β¦
Barista: β¦
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
To the max.. π
Sound on
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
πππππππππππππ
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
βIf more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.β
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Fatherβs Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because Iβve got little arms
doctor: get out