I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
😜
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?