What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
You Might Also Like
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
these two trucks have the same bed length
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*