Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.