[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Fight
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end