You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Every. Damn. Time.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.