My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
grotesque if literal: baby food
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Basically.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!