my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids