“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle