ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
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Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.