How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Life is a suicide mission.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
what are they serving at kfc then???
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.