10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg