While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
You Might Also Like
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds