If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]