ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
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Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you鈥檙e asleep at your desk
My wife when I鈥檝e lost something: It鈥檚 on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I 鈥榰nno…did you look in the freezer?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I鈥檇 never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I鈥檇 ask random strangers to set me on fire
if it鈥檚 fantasy football i see no reason why i can鈥檛 start a dragon at first base
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
It was worth a shot 馃槀
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*