not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler