This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
You Might Also Like
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Not today
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Monday?
No. Next question.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?