Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads