The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild