Great Canadian literature.
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[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Spotted in New Orleans.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
That’s easy for you to say
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication