Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….