Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Britain be like
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
just got my engagement photos
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
who wants to go expliring
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish