Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
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The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
this will hang in the louvre one day
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN