I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
what’s more important?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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