[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.