Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.