My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.