I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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This makes total sense…
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.