If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?