excuse me
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
RT if you could go either way.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.