Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?