Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
You Might Also Like
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
finally
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing